i can not for the life of me figure out why im not happy. but the truth is im not. i thought i was miserable in waco, so i left. but in reality i dont think it was waco that made me unhappy. its the path my life has taken. i feel stuck in this miserable existence. its the same routine everyday and if you are not doing something you truly love, it makes getting up that much more difficult. and maybe this past weekend something was stirred deep inside of me.

i have a photo of me, my three thornton cousins, and my grandparents that was taken in front of my grandparents house a few years ago that sits in front of me everyday. my grandfather was passionate about what he believed in and this past weekend that became even more evident to me than ever before. i knew that he did all he could to help with our environment and preserving this beautiful land of ours. he was recycling before it was as recognized as it is today. he fought with his blood, sweat and words to make this a better place for all of us. he wrote letters to congressmen and newspaper editors to educate them on how we as people and citizens of the mother earth can preserve the planet for generations to come. he volunteered and taught kids all about the swamps down by where he lived. he did the right thing with the way he lived. and i guess i realized that i am not doing anything. i am just living for a paycheck.

i work in corporate america for a business. no matter what you say, where i work is a business. i dont feel as though i am contributing to anything. i am not involved. i want to write letters, i want to be a voice, i want to stand up and be heard. some people know that i have been known to rock the boat and i stand up for what i think is right. but lately ive just been living. every few days i get emails from activists with their causes. some i agree with, some i think are jokes. i try to read the news everyday and stay educated about the world, local, iraq and beyond. but all this knowledge seems to go to waste.

i miss my grandfather. i want to make an impact in peoples lives like he did. i can not even begin to tell you how many people tell me how special my grandfather was to them. and when they tell me that the initial thought is … well he was my grandfather and i do know how incredible of a person he was. but then you start to think, what did he do for them that made them think that. i am truly blessed to have had the opportunity to witness his genius and heart on a personal level.

so how can i help and contribute. i have some ideas i am working on. first things first. i need to start writing more. i need to focus more on the positive things in my life. i need to use the skills and talents i do have to help where i can. and maybe writing this down will motivate me to do as i write.

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  1. Christina December 31, 2005

    Coming from someone whos moved around a lot, I completely understand what you are talking about. I thought Tulsa, Austin, New Orleans, and Vegas would make me happy… as they say “you can run but you can’t hide”. Find whatever it is that makes you happy and grab onto it, hold it tight, and never let go.

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