balexhowe

im not really in the mood. i have had a lot of things to write about lately but i just never feel like doing it. i know some are interested in what the number one job is and i will write about that soon enough. i feel as though i have been lost these past few days and weeks. i live in this wicked cycle. you know working by yourself at nite is very hard on the psyche. i look forward to the weekend, just like everyone else, but its not like a happy thing. i look forward to the weekends mainly so i dont have to drive to temple. i have too much on my mind. i feel as though i am disconnected. maybe the nite after nite of going out plays a part in that. i go out to find something that i am looking for but i keep looking in the wrong places. this post is so scattered and random. im sure there is one person reading this that is used to emails she gets that are like this. jumping for one thing to another.

do you ever feel as though no matter how much you want to help you just cant. i mean for one reason or another. i try to do so much and i guess sometimes it just isnt enough.

i recently bought a pair of those stress free jeans from the gap. i must say they are pretty fucking cool.

i am going to go and get some work done. although when it rains the printer acts like a retarded drunk midget and doesnt want to cooperate with anything. bastards.

ps i love you guys. my friends are the greatest and i never get a chance to let them know how much they mean to me.

i think john mayer says it pretty well…

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I’m jaded
I hate it
I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I’m not sure who I’m looking for
I’ll know it
When I see you
Until then, I’ll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You’ll be so good
You’ll be so good for me

my sis really isnt taller than me…i was standing in a rut. this photo was taken last weekend in thorndale where my grandfather grew up.

before i finish this list i want to take a moment to write about my grandfather. my grandfather was the most passionate person i know about the nature and conserving the beauty of this land. he served his country in the navy and spent the latter years writing letters to editors voicing his concerns over the direction our country was headed. he always had a great story to tell, and was never at a loss of a political opinion. i can remember going crabbing with him when i was a little kid. i thought that was the funnest thing. we would always go out to the beach as well. in my eyes he was the toughest man i knew. i can vividly remember thinking of him as the real life popeye. i also kidded him about being like cliff clavin of cheers fame. he knew more useless facts about nothing, and i guess i took after him in that regard. i bet he could play a mean game of trivia. friday nite he succumb to his battle with brain cancer. even as i sit here now i tear up…

grandpop you touched so many lives in your subtle ways. i am not alone in already missing you. i love you.

number two will be far the most surprising for everyone, well i think it will be anyway. for as long as i can remember i have always wanted to be a fireman. i guess when you are a little kid everyone wants to be a fireman, but i have held on to that desire this entire time. i have told a few people about this dream and desire, but like everything else i guess it just kinda goes to the wayside. after the whole 9.11 thing i heard the number of fireman recruits grew like ten fold. and i can believe it, but i wanted to do this before the tragedy of that day. the grl i dated in boston, her brother was a fireman, and her brother in law was also a fireman and i enjoyed just sitting around talking to them and hearing their stories. it was like i was a little kid on the edge of my seat when they talked about it. this weekend i found out a cousin or great uncle of mine ( we have a huge family on my mothers side so i am not sure how he is related to me) is a fireman in amarillo. i wish i had taken the time to at least chat with him for a bit. i think what most holds me back from pursuing this career is the fact that i have a weak stomach, and could not deal with going to car wrecks and the such. but if it came to kicking down doors, fighting fires and rescuing people im all in. i would also like to think i could be a helluva driver of the fire rigs.

1.
2. fireman
3. texas monthly photographer
4. chef
5. professional basketball player

so number three used to be number one until i had the fortunate or unfortunate experience dealing with these people and hearing stories about them. i wanted to be a photographer for texas monthly. many people know that this is what i wanted more than anything to do. to travel around this great state photographing the endless beauty and diverse people and cultures. i have since had conversations with a former texas monthly photographer and he told me that the editors and publishers contract out of state for photographers. so why bring in a yankee that has no clue how rich the countryside is, and doesnt have the same pride that a texan would have, showcasing his beloved state. that magazine used to be a great read, now it is all ads. it has gone vogue, where there are more ads than articles. they need to get back to being a real magazine. that being said i would still love to be able to shoot for texas monthly and bring the magazine back to the way it was when i was younger and couldnt wait to thumb through the magazine and just learn about our great state.

1.
2.
3. texas monthly photographer
4. chef
5. professional basketball player.

ps. good luck in NY T. i know you will do will. there is no reason to be nervous. the scouts know talent when they see it. keep your head up and show them your unselfish game. things will work out…